My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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