I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
