When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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