I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
