you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
