You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
