I have demons in me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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