is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
