My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
