I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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