Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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