Your face is a jimmy john
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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