I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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