I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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