the condom got lost in my hair
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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