the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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