after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
