Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
