I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
