My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
