if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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