no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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