: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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