I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's not a walk of shame if you run
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
