Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
