Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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