Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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