omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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