the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
