We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
