I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
