Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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