Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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