You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Randomize
