You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
