my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I need water and some morals
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
