She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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