Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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