my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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