thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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