My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
