saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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