Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
