Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
