I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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