Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
