I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
