I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We need to rekindle our bromance
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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