At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
