I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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